How did it all begin for me?

As I started my journey healing, I felt in my heart that I should use the bad that happened to me into something good. As I was praying one day, I felt that I should start writing a book. I started to pray about it and ask God to guide what He wanted me to do because I didn't want to share what I wanted to share. I wanted it to come from Him and not me. 

As I spent some time in prayer some days, He made me feel that I should start writing about my life. I felt ashamed and honestly, I didn't want to share the most embarrassing times of my life, but He said that it will help others. I started to write, and I started to pray because again, I didn't want to be the one writing. 

As some years went by I started to look into different publishing companies. I wanted to check into them and see how this all worked because I've never done something like this. I found the perfect place and I got some great support and encouragement not only from my family but from them also.

My writing has been part of my healing process. The more I wrote the more I started to pay attention to the words.

I'm  not going to lie, it was very hard....

Until Next Time Friends......

So, I decided to share with you something that was just inspired to me. I listened to my inner voice and decided to share. As I was writing it kept pouring out and these words came out. This is all related to my story, but I know someone out there needs this so they too can keep driving through that old road filled with hitch hikers.

As a child, things were never easy for me. From the time I was just a little girl to being an adult I have traveled on many road trips for way too many years. These road trips followed the maps of low self-esteem, low self worth, depression, anxiety, self destruction, self-hatred, self-blame, shame, pain, hurt and loss, but always stuck to the self-destruction stop area. I was chained to this car that made a stop at each of these locations. As you can see, at every stop I picked up a hitch hiker. These hitch hikers followed me for years, their baggage began to take a toll on me. I found myself carrying most of my baggage in my heart. My heart was filled with shame, hurt, guilt, and a sense of loss.
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On my last trip to self-destruction is where I started to see it in a whole new light. I finally found something worth fighting for and so I decided that I didn’t want to make any other stops anymore. This was either going to make me or break me. I didn’t care either way!

After some months passed there came a day where I finally told myself that I didn’t care what life threw at me anymore, that I wasn’t where I needed to be but I felt way better. I decided that from that day forward giving up was no more part of my vocabulary, it wasn’t an option anymore. That’s the best decision I ever made because that’s the day the car broke down, the chains came off and for the first time in my whole life I felt free and happy. The first time of my existence where I felt like I mattered and I was worthy of love! I saw myself as a little girl suffering in silence and as a teen then an adult. I saw myself in my weakest moments and I realized that I wasn’t made to fail, but rather to succeed.

All those road trips I took through my life weren’t meant to destroy me. Those road trips were meant to make me stronger. Seeing myself from a hopeless angle made me realize that I was made to stand out, I was made for bigger things. I was made to show the world that even though bad things happen in life we end up where we choose to end up.
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We choose the lenses we pick up and look through. Don’t ever doubt yourself or your self-worth. Follow that inner voice inside you because that will never steer you wrong. That’s the voice of someone special inside of your heart. That’s the voice that will give you strength to move forward when you have no more strength for yourself. That inner voice will whisper in your ear don’t stop on that road when you want to steer back to those old roads from the past. Those roads from the past weren’t made to be forgotten, they were made to be driven through full force without picking up hitch hikers from the past rather to pick those like you and me and put them in the front seat so they too can clearly find their way just like you did. ​

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https://fewwarnings.com/you-wanted-me-to-be-silent
 
I came across this article about abuse and it stopped me in my tracks. Just by looking at the pictures of this article I realized that it will have something important to say. Then I read the title and it made me even sadder. It’s called “You wanted me to be silent.” As I read through the article I became so sad because I connected with so many of them. 

Today we live in a society where everything is fast paced, things have to go our way, the way we want it and when we want it. We don’t have time for “drama” because we’re so focused on how we feel and could care less about anyone else’ feelings. Just being real here, these are observations I’ve made and of course not everyone is that way but most people are.

We teach children, men and women to speak up when they’re hurting or something was done to them. I feel like sometimes we speak just to hear ourselves speak. I do have a question for you today and please take a moment and reflect on it. My question is the following: Do you know how much courage a person has to have in order to open up to you and trust you? Have you ever stopped to think about this? When you go through abuse you know it’s shameful, hurtful, frowned upon, you blame yourself already and don’t need others to turn the blame on you too. When a person speaks up it’s because they’re at the edge and this is their way of crying out for help, or maybe just to be heard and believed.

But sadly many times pastors, teachers, co-workers, friends even family shut us down. Why? Because that Pastor has great standing in the community! Your teacher just doesn’t want to deal with this issue maybe because they don’t know how to handle it, or maybe because this opens a whole new can of worms, or maybe they too went through that and learned to look away. Co-workers have too much work to do and don’t have time for this type of stuff. Friends tend to not believe you because to them you’re just dramatic or maybe when you tell your friend about another friend you share in common they have a hard time believing that this person would do that to you. Our own families teach us to be quiet because what would people around us say!

When a person speaks up they’re shut down. I have a huge issue with this! The abused person starts to wonder if they’re the ones that caused this or just created a scenario in their own minds. The abused start to doubt themselves and get stuck in so many emotions. Some take their lives, others self medicate, others suffer and allow abuse to continue in their lives because some how they deserve it!

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED I DON’T CARE WHETHER IT’S A MAN, A WOMAN OR KIDS…It’s not okay to tell them to speak up if all we want to do is shut them up! When someone comes to share something horrifying such as abuse, believe them because it took everything in their being to trust you and come to you. The person disclosing looks at you as their savior somehow. All they want from you is to reassure them that they’re being heard and their feelings are validated and they’re not crazy!
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I leave you with this question! What are you doing to make a difference in a world with so much abuse and violence? I encourage you to be the voice of those that haven’t found theirs yet. Let them know they’re not alone in this fight and listen and believe when someone does come out trusting you.

 God Bless! Welcome to my Blog! Thank you for your support and encouragement.

I want to share with you my thought of the day! 

I've been seating here this week thinking about my life and how far God has brought me!
Those of you that know my story know that I am only still here on this earth by the grace of God! Those of you that don't know me I will share a little bit about myself. 

I was born in Romania and raised in Queens New York.
My story began when I started to have my first memory at the age of 4 or a little before. Every child's first memory should be a happy one, should be a memorable one. Unfortunately not everyone is blessed with those beautiful memories. In my case my first memory was devastating. It was of a man that was right on top of me cleaning me after he had got done raping me. I didn't understand what he was doing but I understood that I was hurt. While he held my mouth so no one can hear my screams he allowed me to go home and I was filled with confusion. He threatened the life of my parents and brother and I was terrified.  

Year after year I went through this horrifying and terrifying act of abuse and violence. The older I grew the angrier I grew. In my teenage years I realized that there was only one person to blame and that was God! Each and every day I reminded Him how much I hated Him and how much I wished He showed me hell because that would be the only way I would believe in Him. Sadly, that never happened. Going back home to Romania I was raped at the age of 16 by a man known to my family and 10 years older than me.