God Bless! Welcome to my Blog! Thank you for your support and encouragement.
I want to share with you my thought of the day!
I've been seating here this week thinking about my life and how far God has brought me!
Those of you that know my story know that I am only still here on this earth by the grace of God! Those of you that don't know me I will share a little bit about myself.
I was born in Romania and raised in Queens New York.
My story began when I started to have my first memory at the age of 4 or a little before. Every child's first memory should be a happy one, should be a memorable one. Unfortunately not everyone is blessed with those beautiful memories. In my case my first memory was devastating. It was of a man that was right on top of me cleaning me after he had got done raping me. I didn't understand what he was doing but I understood that I was hurt. While he held my mouth so no one can hear my screams he allowed me to go home and I was filled with confusion. He threatened the life of my parents and brother and I was terrified.
Year after year I went through this horrifying and terrifying act of abuse and violence. The older I grew the angrier I grew. In my teenage years I realized that there was only one person to blame and that was God! Each and every day I reminded Him how much I hated Him and how much I wished He showed me hell because that would be the only way I would believe in Him. Sadly, that never happened. Going back home to Romania I was raped at the age of 16 by a man known to my family and 10 years older than me.
After my first failed suicide attempt I decided to let God know how much more I hated Him for allowing me to suffer this way and not letting me end my miserable life. I had asked Him why He was so cruel and selfish, because all I wanted to do was die. I suffered terribly and I hated my family too especially my mother because she was supposed to protect me and she failed me, they all failed me.
I had to come up with a new strategy but without me even realizing it God had sent an angel to save me from myself, and to this day this angel has been with me every step of the way through good and bad we stuck together. When things were meant to break us they made us stronger as a couple. This angel I speak of I call my husband and my best friend.
My attempt didn't stop there when I met him. My last attempt was when my oldest son was a couple of months old. I had a big fight with my husband and stayed with a friend. My son was sound asleep and I was so hurt that I totally forgot he was even there and I took a bunch of pills. God stepped in again and the baby started to cry. When I heard him cry I snapped out of that funk I found myself in. I went from telling God how much I hated Him to begging Him to please not let me die like this because my son was going to be alone for a long time before someone would be home and he would be wet and hungry and God came through for me. He saved me once again!
Yet I still hated Him with all my heart because I didn't accept that He saved me all these times. I went as far as accepting Christ in my heart with hatred and for the past 15 years after that I went to church as a hypocrite laughing and judging those that thought that God was real. I looked closely at the people and asked myself why would I want to be like them when they sin more than I do and are worse people than I ever was.
All this didn't make God stop loving me and fighting for me. It didn't make Him stop picking me up when I was down. He didn't give up on me even though I gave up on myself. He loved me and He showed me where He was in every step of my life. He showed me everything I asked for including hell. He showed me why I was still alive and I couldn't help but drop to my knees and sob because this God I so hated so much was the same God that loved me and hugged me even when I was yelling that I hated Him. He found me worthy of His love just like He finds all His children worthy of His everlasting love.
What I can say and share with you for today is that no matter what the enemy's schemes are and no matter how much the enemy wants to take you down, there is One that created you and me and even though we can't see Him physically He is with us in every step we make and saves us each and every day. He fights unseen battles to the human eye, but even when you feel He's far from you, He is right there next to you. Even when you feel you've lost it all He will give you all.
How do I know this? I know this because He showed me everything I questioned and doubted. He took me to hell, to the place of my torture and showed me how the demons were whispering in my ear and how much that hurt me. He also showed me that I wasn't the only one there but there stood before me a never ending wall full of people with demons torturing them the same way that I was tortured. We as humans believe in the enemy's lies and we second guess and doubt ourselves and God.
Many think that God is not real and that religion is a game. Let me tell you this! Has it not been for the Lord taking me on a re-run of my life and showing me what I asked Him to show me each and every day of my young and some of my adult life, I wouldn't have believed in Him to this day. I was like Thomas from the Bible, I had to see in order to believe but the Word of God says that blessed is he who believes without seeing. It's called blind faith!
Today I can say that I am blessed. I have 3 amazing children and a husband that never gave up on me even when he had every reason to run away from me. They push me to do my very best and cheer me on. They saw what a mess I can be yet they love and believe in me. I am blessed with a love that only God can give because He has given me more than I deserve and stood by me to this day. He will never leave you nor forsake you His Word says and I believe it!
Next week I will share how I got from the pits to the light and how He is still giving me all my heart's dreams and desires. Even things I never imagined or wished for.
May the blessings of the Lord overflow in your lives and the lives of your loved ones.... Until next time friends!